I’ve been watching a lot of art films lately.
Now having said that I don’t know what to make of this post anymore – it’s like every single thing I say will only be directly proportional to the stuff that have been influencing me in ways I could have never imagined and hence, the risk of redundancy. Where I do begin? There are so many things to wax lyrical and pour my heart about, and I feel as if the passion and zeal will never be sent across and have the flower buds bloom into beauty.
The world has a pitiful habit of getting affected on the first glance; after that, it’s back on its self-centered ways again.
I should slow down on my being too impressionable, or else I’ll explode. I should learn how to regard things for what they are as separate entities, and that I don’t always have to get myself embroiled with them. I should step out of the big picture more often and pinch myself. I should learn how to take one step at a time, but never because of fear of tripping – because that’s the only time I get to be put in my place, which I truly appreciate.
I should learn where and when to draw the line.
On the outside I come off as a cynic, but the truth is I’m the most positive soul there is. I defend my barbaric ways of articulating myself through various forms as something borne out by my unconditional love for every splendid, charitable, and revolutionary thing in this world. Because I’m painfully sarcastic and don’t operate things the traditional approach, that I get misunderstood.
But it’s not like I lose sleep over the nitpickers and fault-finders – if they did not exist, soldiering on wouldn’t be as entertaining to me.
When I was walking the overpass this afternoon, I stopped halfway and looked over the speeding vehicles below despite the insane heat. There were a lot of people passing by with me and as expected, I drew their attention. I was smiling to myself, What if jump off? Standing there, I could sense that the people walking behind me were gawking at me, all weirded out, thinking that there must some chemical imbalance going on inside my brain.
So what I did, I hung my arms over the railings emphatically, posing as if I’m going for the plunge.
What deserves propriety in this society anyway? With all of the acts of selflessness put forward by brilliant, golden-hearted individuals for the general good all you have is a planet still teeming with evil, poverty, wars, hate crimes, close-mindedness, inequality. These problems won’t get fixed by anyone posing as if she’s going to jump off the overpass, but how else do you express your sarcasm to people who should have known better?
Something life-altering will happen to me later this year and early next year, and it could either make or break me. In other words, I’m on great tenterhooks as early now. The spurts of light-headedness and restlessness I’ve been having because of that impending event is preposterous. I’ve been feeling like a feather being spun around by a hurricane. But just like how my favorite art film characters tackled the challenges thrown their way, I will stand my ground, and with attitude, too: Go on, break me. BRING IT ON. Put me in my place, even. After having gone through what I’ve gone through and given my best and all? I’m ready for anything.
As a sort of homage to this pride and defiance of mine, I will do something crazy to my hair tomorrow and finally get my first tattoo in a few days.
Miles Davis’ Bitches Brew in the background is not helping. Living life as a one big performance art, I’ve never felt so jazzed-up.
The smoke has cleared;
now I will see,
on the great mirror,
if it’s still me.